make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
