You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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