I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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