I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
