I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
