i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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