me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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