I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
