im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
A+ Viking dick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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