So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
