Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
