If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The adults are the big ones right?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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