Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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