I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
