My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
