two words: eviction party
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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