FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
