Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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