My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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