I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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