We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
