My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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