Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
