The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
