Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hippo gnu deer
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
