What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
