oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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