It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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