I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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