eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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