So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
