Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
