Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
