Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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