who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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