I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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