i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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