Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
