Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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