My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
