We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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