Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
