Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
