oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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