im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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