you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
