Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
