Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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