i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
