i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
