I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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