i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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