i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
