tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
