What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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