The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
