If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I know her cup size but not her name....
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