I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
