Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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